you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
