he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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