Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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