How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
