Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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