my vag is so smooth its legendary
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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