I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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