I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
