He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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