to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
