Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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