mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Randomize
