there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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