I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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