I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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