Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm like, not good at living.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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