How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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