i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
