The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
