Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
