I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
