I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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