I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
