my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
