So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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