For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
