I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
