Tell her she can't have a vagina
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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