I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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