I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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