WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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