after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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