My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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