I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
