and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
