Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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