I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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