right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
