Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
