you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
