Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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