I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
