Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
