I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
