And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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