he looks like a really good dad on facebook
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
