shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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