So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My vagina is very pro this idea
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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