Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
