sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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